Hello Fall, I've Missed You!

Oh Fall, how I have missed you. I was so heartbroken last year when you went away. But now you are back, like a sailor coming home from a long tour of duty at sea. Why must you go away for such long periods of time? I must admit, I saw some other seasons while you away. Winter was a little dry and humorless. There were some dark days and he always seemed to be a little short with me. I was often given the cold shoulder. I left my relationship with winter to be with spring, and while I was showered with flowers almost daily, I would often think of you in your jewely tones and peaceful demeanor. Spring left me for summer. Summer was much hotter than I could ever hope to be, wore skimpier clothing, provided the best treats and always smelled like strawberries. I couldn't compete.

My only solace was knowing that you would be coming home soon, you always do. My one true love, I forgive you, I know you are still a mama's boy and listen to her call, but do you think this year you could partake in the witness protection program and stay a while? That would be super fabulous!

Mystery File Theatre

The time was 8:00 am, the place, the office. The A/C had been out most of the long holiday weekend and the temperature was a scorching 88F. The office began to fill with worker ants, piling in on one another, making the heat that much more unbearable. It was at this time, spurred by delirium and sweat, the following email communication transpired between co-workers.

I was giving the files in the file room their weekly pep talk… and I heard a slight whisper from the eastern vicinity of the file room… I walked over slowly because I had never heard that particular pitch from my files before… mike's files would like to know when you are going to finish them.. and they're wondering why you don't give them a weekly pep talk. I think they're jealous...:
- J

I don't believe you, as I have never heard Mike's files whisper a day in their lives. They are shouters and you know that just as well as I do. I also think it is very insensitive of you to give your files a pep talk and give Mike's files the cold shoulder. Just because they aren't integrated with the rest of the files does not mean they don't have feelings too.
- L

They whispered because they were scared from your ABUSE… you throw them and because I'm tasty they think that I may not just throw them… I may slice them… which is totally not my style. I sang them a quick calming song and told them that I would ask you why you are so hurtful towards them… someone needs a parenting class on file care…
-J

Listen, those files are lucky to be in the file room to begin with, ungrateful bastards, I could've just left them naked and unattended, but no, I was nice and gave them a beautiful brown expandable cover to clothe their frail manillaness. If I ever hear those files talking like that about me behind my back again I will march right in there throw them all over the floor, let's see how they like that. Scared, hah, I'll show them scared, they need to grow a pair, what until they have to go into storage, then they will really know what abuse is all about.
-L

Oh please… YOU could've just left them… I know just as well as you do that you were scared yourself… for your job… you had no choice but to clothe them… if I tell the big man that you have been treating your files with such disregard he'll have your carcass… you'll be the one getting sent to storage… I've NEVER in my entire lifetime heard someone be so mean and uncaring to such precious little files… I will take your access away and you will never see your pretty little files again… gosh... they'll give anyone the right to file… revoked I tell you… REVOKED… don't let me catch you in my file room EVER… EVA!!!!!!!
- J

Are You Kidding?

McCain is going to pick someone a mere three years older and with less politcal expierence, after his whole attack premise was inexperience and youth? Of course, Palin definetly cannot be likened to a celebrity, that's for sure. Unless you count that one time, in basketball camp.

I'd Make the Best President Eva!

Am I a moron? Please tell me I am not a moron. I said moron by the way, not Mormon, just clarifying in light of my previous blogging history.


My sensibilities have come into question, when last night, while watching the Democratic National Convention, I found myself excited, enthusiastic and, well, hopeful.


I am neither a Democrat or a Republican, or a Libertarian, or a librarian for that matter. I look at what I think is good and relevant in regards to improving the life which I lead and hope that others can take from my life the things that work for them. I am a little bit of a Socialist, Communist, Anarchist and perhaps a smidgeon Idealist. There is no set standard that I follow and my opinions change on a daily basis depending on what information is presented to me at any given time. Doesn't that make the most sense? It's called e-vo-lu-tion and it's a tool in your survivability arsenal.

Things are broken in America, not only with the government itself, but with the general population who has lost the ability to take responsibility for themselves. What are the problems that concern you? How do we fix them? Are we just lumps on the log who sit around and think we can't effect change? That perhaps things are outside of our control as individuals?



I don't want to incite a riot here, and I better step down from the soapbox before I fall, but I thought it important to say this, regardless of your political affiliation, the government is not whom you elect to Congress or who holds the title Commander-in-Chief, the government is me, you and everyone around us, the former are merely the enforcers and protectors of what we as a collective agree to. It's not up to the government to be the creative or driving force behind change, it's up to us.

Things I Stole From the Mormons

Things I Stole from the Mormons - Day 2

So, yeah, big numbers on the views, little numbers on the comments. I'll admit it, I'm a little bit of a feedback junkie. Moving on.

Day 2 of things I stole from the Mormons is Family Home Storage. What a brilliant idea. Keep a supply of needful things, like food, water, money. Yes, a little mattress money never hurt anyone.

One might ask why they should keep three, six or even twelve months of supplies on hand. I'll tell you why, because the end is nigh. No, that's not why, don't be silly. The reason is because you simply never know when something catastrophic or unexpected might happen. It makes sense to have a supply of things ready to go in case, oh, the economy collapses, there is a run on banks, people lose their jobs and homes and we are thrust into a depression. Perhaps I am a little paranoid. But imagine if you had the ability to help yourself in a time of crisis ala Katrina. Disasters are not that unheard of honestly. If you live in a tornado prone area, may I suggest keeping your goods in the basement. What good is a supply of rice if it just gets scattered across the great plains?


Three-Month Supply

Build a small supply of food that is part of your normal, daily diet. One way to do this is to purchase a few extra items each week to build a one-week supply of food. Then you can gradually increase your supply until it is sufficient for three months. These items should be rotated regularly to avoid spoilage...

Drinking Water

Store drinking water for circumstances in which the water supply may be polluted or disrupted.

If water comes directly from a good, pretreated source, then no additional purification is needed; otherwise, pretreat water before use. Store water in sturdy, leak-proof, breakage-resistant containers. Consider using plastic bottles commonly used for juices and soft drinks.

Keep water containers away from heat sources and direct sunlight...

Financial Reserve

Establish a financial reserve by saving a little money each week and gradually increasing it to a reasonable amount...

Longer-Term Supply
For longer-term needs, and where permitted, gradually build a supply of food that will last a long time and that you can use to stay alive, such as wheat, white rice, and beans.

These items can last 30 years or more when properly packaged and stored in a cool, dry place. A portion of these items may be rotated in your three-month supply.

Those crazy Mormons, they really have some good ideas.

I totally pilfered this from the LDS website. I think I am going to hell. Wait, I don't believe in that. I forget sometimes.

Things I Stole From the Mormons - Day 1

Family Home Evening, or FHE as those Morms refer to it, is, and I quote, "A special time set aside each week that brings family members together and strengthens their love for each other, helps them draw closer to Heavenly Father, and encourages them to live righteously."

As we all know from yesterday's post, I am not going to get jiggy with drawing closer to the Heavenly Father or living righteously for that matter, but I will set aside one night a week that is completely and totally devoted to family and teaching little E some things about the world and how it works.

While the Morms quote scripture and pray in addition to their pre-planned family activity of the evening, we simply turn of the TV and do something together. Go for a walk, ride bikes, have a clam bake at the beach (hey, it's technically our home). Not only does it promote family togetherness, it also gets everyone talking and interacting. Communication baby.

This idea extends beyond immediate family. If you happen to live within 5 miles of your parents, cousins, in-laws, invite everyone over. Oh, you don't have any family at all you say? Well, that really sucks and I'm sorry for that but you can still have FHE, Friends Home Evening. The things you can talk about over dinner with friends in the comfort of you own home are endless. At least they are in my house. There are things I would say in my own home, with my people, that I wouldn't dare say in public, fear of persecution and all that. I have a big mouth and crazy opinions, but I stray from the topic at hand.

Ideas

Geocaching

Yard relay race

Gardening

Bike riding

Seashell collecting

Or, if you aren't a giant nerd like me

Dinner with family and or friends to discuss the current status of America and Americans.

Wait, that's nerdy too.

Listen, I never said I was cool.



This concludes day one of my Mormon theft log.

Things I Stole From the Mormons

Let it be said, first and foremost. (Please see here)

This may come as a shock to some of you and a validation to others. No, I am not what you thought I was or Whoo-hoo, I want to be this chicklet's friend. Either way, there are certain things I crave, despite being a non bible toting heathen.

First, I enjoy family, mostly just those of the immediate nature, but sometimes I'll kick it with a cousin or two who are just like sisters so they count. Second, I enjoy creating a beautiful home in which to raise my family. When I say beautiful, I don't mean all Crib'd out, I just mean cozy, warm, and aromatic in the way of pumpkin pie. Third, I am disturbed by the way I see things going in America. Economically, socially, politically. Three subjects worthy of their very own blog. Speaking of worthy, why I don't believe in God is a subject worthy of any blog and perhaps, I will take you on a journey as to how I arrived at this juncture.

It was with great revelation during a meeting with the Mormon missionaries, that I discovered I could take things that I liked from the social structure of their religion and use them in my everyday life. Yes, we let them in. It's hard to turn a nineteen year old boy with visions of conversion in his heart and steadfast belief to that of which he was raised away from our door. The possibilities were really too vast to ignore. Over the next few days, I will share with you things that I stole from the Mormons. Take note of stole, because I am not giving them back, they are mine now and maybe yours if you like. It's good stuff, relevant even.

Blogging in the Third Person, Past Tense

Jayne was a very confused girl. You see, she did not quite know herself at all. There were times when the world made perfect sense to Jayne, and then, there were the times when she thought it should just implode on itself because that would make perfect sense.

One day, Jayne set out on a journey. A journey to find out the meaning of life and to share with those she encountered all her questerly knowledge. Jayne knew this would be a soul searching journey of the most importance and through her travels she knew she would encounter many a ne're sayer. But on with her journey she would go, to discover why exactly the world should not implode and to also discover the mystery that is Jello.

PSA

Use the crosswalk. Do not think that I will stop for your lame ass as you saunter at your leisurely pace across four lanes of traffic. If you walk yourself into my path, and you are not in the sacred protection of the crosswalk, I will run you down and I will laugh, manically as I speed away.

*Note....

I misspelled both leisurely and manically while writing this post. Thankfully, I used spell-check before posting. You should too. ....

A Valentine's Day Po-em

If you loved me

as you profess you do

you would not send red roses to my place of employment.

If you loved me

as you profess you do

you would not buy me a card

versed with the sentiment

of generic prose.

If you loved me

as you profess you do

I would not come home

To a rose petal
T
R
A
I
L

that leads to the bedroom.

If you love me

and you say you do

you would instead

leave seventy-five dollars
in cash
on the kitchen table.

Wine in A Box

Wine in a box. Making a comeback? Perhaps.

Fish Eye is making a hard sell, touting it as the oak barrel of today. When I think about wine in a box, I think of 1983, hot tub parties, Virginia Slims and my mom. Yes, my mom. Who drank wine from a box, smoked Virginia Slims along with all her friends, in 1983, having hot tub parties.

Of course, right about now, you must be thinking my childhood was akin to that of a pre Jenna Jameson porn world where pizza and pool guys got lucky at the mere ring of the doorbell. But, alas, that's not true. Think more along the lines of tree hugging hippiedom and being one with nature.

So, back to wine in a box. Will it ever be cool? Hip? Trendy? Classy? I have read that screw top wine bottles are replacing the cork, as the screw top maintains a fresher wine. I can try wine in a box, but I draw the line at screw top a la Strawberry Hill, bottles. Which by the way, I know you have a story about , so you need to spill. My story is deeply disturbing and brings on my gag reflex, so I will save it for another day.

Where was I? Oh yes, boxes, wine, hippies. The point? None, I just wanted to see if you would buy it. So, would you?

For the record, my mom was only 25 in 1983, so cut her some slack will ya.

ANTM

I made a realization today while at the gym. I had forgotten my Ipod and only had headphones in my car, so I plugged into the T.V. so graciously provided by my friends at la gym.

The channel was Vh1, the show was America's Next Top Model, the trap was laid.

I became so engrossed in ANTM that I was on the treadmill for 30 extra minutes. Oh, the drama, oh, the fashion, oh, the....Tyra?

Much like a drug addiction begins, first socially, only with friends, then an aching need to get high, then sneaking around behind everyone's back to get your fix.

I figured I had better just come out now and say, "Hi, my name is Jayne, and I watch America's Next Top Model", before I found myself setting up the DVR to record every episode. (First run and repeats please)

My husband did stage an intervention as soon as I got home and told him about my new found euphoria with reality T.V. He immediately switched to "Dirty Jobs", oh, that Mike Rowe. I heart him.

I think I may have a problem.