It's Monday, Again.

So, Monday came and went. Now it's here again. The problem is, I don't really have a plan. I just kind of say I do. So starting tomorrow, Monday, again, I am getting up at 6:30 every morning to work out in my home gym. Oh yes, I am so lucky to have a home gym. The decor is beautiful and motivating, the equipment is clean and inviting. It smells so ni.....what the hell is that? Dang it dog, did you poop on my gym floor? I know you had to go out, but I am blogging here. "Clean up in the home gym", I say to my husband in my best checkout girl voice.

Where was I? Oh yes, home gym. It doubles as our family room. But it has a very large T.V. and a great sound system which I am sure will be so motivating at 6:30 in the morning. I bet you have a home gym too. Aren't we all so fanatically lucky?

If possible, could you please remind me tomorrow that yes, those pants do make my butt look big, so I will be motivated once again to answer the 6:30am wake up call on Tuesday.

Thanks, you're awfully sweet!

Open Letter Series

Dear Fellow Driver,

I realize that as drivers, we must share the road. Since it's just not practical to request my very own driving lane, I would like to suggest a few rules that perhaps we could try to follow on a daily basis.

I use my vehicle as a mode of transportation to get from one location to another quickly. If I were concerned about seeing the world around me or stopping to smell the roses, I would walk. May I suggest you do the same if your intentions are to drive below the posted speed limit.

Know your destination and how to get there before you start driving. If you miss your turn or exit, do not slam on your brakes and put your car in reverse. This usually leads to unsavory happenings. Simply keep moving until you find a suitable location to rectify your mistake.

Use your blinker, please. My psychic powers have been on the fritz since, oh, about birth, so I am sure I had no idea you intended to turn left while I went straight.

Speaking of right of way, a four way stop works on the "to the right" basis. I didn't make the rules, that's just how it is.
When the light turns green, that means go. When the light turns red, that means stop. I only mention this because I have seen you do the opposite. I once honked at you, when you were stopped at a green light, to which you yelled back at me, "What? It will be red eventually".

I think that by following these simple rules, we can improve our driving expierience greatly and prevent me from following you to your destination and running your ass over.

Respectfully,

Retarded, Challenged, Whatever

My husband (Lawn Boy) and I are not suffering from infertility, rather, we are fertility retarded, or if you want to be PC, challenged. The fact is, we are riding the short bus down the embryo highway. We already have one chitlin, is that enough? Maybe we should just focus all of our attention on making her the most awesomest human ever. Is it politically incorrect to hang out around the door of the abortion clinic and try to convince people to go through with their pregnancy and give the kid to me? I know, there is a fine line between charitable and psychotic. I actually really think that Lawn Boy's little swimmers are the ones that are retarded, because I am practically perfect in every way, my half of the equation is golden. No, literally, if you put them under a microscope they are 14K. I should send those little bastards into the place that gives you cash for gold.

No More Drama

I have to say. I am over the drama. People, just stop, really. Live your life, be happy, get over it.

If, Wen, and Y

Have you seen the infomercial for Wen hair care products? If you haven't, it is supposedly this really great alternative hair care program that Melissa Gilbert touts as super awesome. Notice I did not put quotes around that because she didn't actually say those words, just something like it. I was thinking, really, isn't the product just really like a conditioner? So I decided, in the interest of science, to expierment this week by using conditioner only on my hair. No lathery shampoo, just super moisturizing strength conditioner. Hopefully, my hair will become the silky, beautiful mane I hope to have and not the oily, greasy mop that I hypothesis.

An Original Thought

If you peruse the Internet long enough, you will eventually find that there is no such thing as an original thought. Somewhere, someone, is thinking the exact same thing as you. True story.

It Weighs Heavily...

The laptop was on the floor to my right.  I bent down to pick it up and realized that my belly fat was making it very hard to do so.  When did I get so fat? It has been so gradual I didn't even notice.  Now what? Make a goal, lose some weight.  It sounds so simple.  Eat less, exercise more.  When do I start? Tomorrow? Monday? Oh, the ever occuring Monday.  I'll do it Monday.  That gives me the whole weekend to eat.  Eat at Chili's, YUM. I can also sit on my butt and not think about exercise. For a whole weekend.  Then comes Monday.  I guess I'll start then.

The Road to Simplicity

Today, I thought about ways to simplify my life.  I came up with 101 fantastic ideas. Problem is, I would need to leave my husband and the kid.  How is it that root of all things complicated begin with the two of them? Don't judge, you know you feel the same way.

Nice to Meet You

Hello, I'm Jayne. Nice to meet you. I like to read the blogs of stay at home mom's whose lives are so much more different than mine. The moms that seem so perfect, that fit into society like little round pegs. I like to roll around and find a comfortable warm place in their craftiness and recipe sharing, wrapped up their portrayals of their perfect little lives.It's one of my favorite pastimes. I am also working on my grace. It's very hard for me to be nice. I say things I shouldn't and am quite crass sometimes. I don't apologize for it, just keepin' it real.