Mystery File Theatre

The time was 8:00 am, the place, the office. The A/C had been out most of the long holiday weekend and the temperature was a scorching 88F. The office began to fill with worker ants, piling in on one another, making the heat that much more unbearable. It was at this time, spurred by delirium and sweat, the following email communication transpired between co-workers.

I was giving the files in the file room their weekly pep talk… and I heard a slight whisper from the eastern vicinity of the file room… I walked over slowly because I had never heard that particular pitch from my files before… mike's files would like to know when you are going to finish them.. and they're wondering why you don't give them a weekly pep talk. I think they're jealous...:
- J

I don't believe you, as I have never heard Mike's files whisper a day in their lives. They are shouters and you know that just as well as I do. I also think it is very insensitive of you to give your files a pep talk and give Mike's files the cold shoulder. Just because they aren't integrated with the rest of the files does not mean they don't have feelings too.
- L

They whispered because they were scared from your ABUSE… you throw them and because I'm tasty they think that I may not just throw them… I may slice them… which is totally not my style. I sang them a quick calming song and told them that I would ask you why you are so hurtful towards them… someone needs a parenting class on file care…
-J

Listen, those files are lucky to be in the file room to begin with, ungrateful bastards, I could've just left them naked and unattended, but no, I was nice and gave them a beautiful brown expandable cover to clothe their frail manillaness. If I ever hear those files talking like that about me behind my back again I will march right in there throw them all over the floor, let's see how they like that. Scared, hah, I'll show them scared, they need to grow a pair, what until they have to go into storage, then they will really know what abuse is all about.
-L

Oh please… YOU could've just left them… I know just as well as you do that you were scared yourself… for your job… you had no choice but to clothe them… if I tell the big man that you have been treating your files with such disregard he'll have your carcass… you'll be the one getting sent to storage… I've NEVER in my entire lifetime heard someone be so mean and uncaring to such precious little files… I will take your access away and you will never see your pretty little files again… gosh... they'll give anyone the right to file… revoked I tell you… REVOKED… don't let me catch you in my file room EVER… EVA!!!!!!!
- J